Discipline

Mothers and fathers of young children - in fact, parents of children of all ages - wonder and puzzle a great deal about discipline these days. I have one observation about discipline which you may find helpful: Many parents, I think, lean too much in one direction or the other. They seem to me to lose their balance and to go overboard, so to speak.

I see some parents who are much too easy on their children, I think. Their youngsters almost get away with murder. The children do about anything they want to. These parents hardly ever say "No" and hardly ever make their "No" stick.

Sometimes these too-easy-going parents act this way because they love their child and don't want to make their youngster unhappy.

Other such parents, I think, may be a little lazy. They don't want to work at discipline, and they don't follow through. They say "No" - or even yell and threaten - but if their youngster goes right on, these parents give up. They shrug - "What can you do?" and just let the behavior continue.

I have noticed that sometimes one particular child in a family has a blank check, with no limits. The only child, or an only girl or an only boy, or the baby in the family, or a youngster who has been sick a lot - anyone of these can be the one who is never reined in.

And, of course, a lot of very give-in-y parents are over-reacting to their own childhoods. They are not really thinking about their youngster right now, today's child in this very year. These mothers and fathers remember how - maybe twenty years ago - their own parents landed on them and fenced them in. They vow they will not do that to their child. The result is that now they value freedom and leeway more than is good for their boy or girl.

Some parents go overboard by being softies and easy-marks. I have seen as many parents who are too tough and who, I think, expect too much. I am sure their children feel as if their mothers and fathers are angry with them most of the time. Their children must feet that they never do anything right, that they are always a disappointment.

Usually these over-demanding parents forget: Their child is only a child. Their rules are made for a fifteen-year-old (or a fifty-year old!).

Or maybe they forget: Their child is only human. We all make a lot of mistakes and we all need a lot of good humor and forgiveness - young children do and so do all the rest of us.

It is hard to strike a balance. Yet the path to good discipline lies in finding the right mixture.

I am convinced that young children need to feel that good strong adults are in charge. Children need to feel that you will help them live an orderly and sensible life. That you will help them meet higher and higher standards as they grow.

To a youngster wise rules and regulations actually mean love. They mean: Someone is watching out for me, someone cares for me.

Wise rules and regulations mean safety. The youngster knows deep down: I'm not old enough yet to run the ship. It is very frightening to a child to feel that parents have given up and that the child is in charge.

I don't know your home, or how you live, or who is in the house, or how many children there are or anything of that kind so I can't say to you: "This is what you should expect from your youngster."

I do want to urge you, however: Have some standards and expectations. Have some rules that you think are right for you, and for your family, and for your child.

Don't be afraid that your youngster will think you are a little strict. That is a compliment.

Have standards, be firm, but: Don't hesitate to make an exception now and again, if an exception seems wise and called for. And don't hesitate to change any rule that simply leads you into one hassle after another, and makes life very uncomfortable for everyone. You can be firm and strict and still use your heart and use your head.

And you can be firm and strict without using a heavy hand and a harsh tongue. Being firm doesn't mean to hurt. Being firm means that you have a solid confidence that certain things are right, and confidence that you can help your child understand why they are right. You teach your child, and you keep at it until your youngster lives up to the most that a healthy, happy child can do.

Now I have to say something quite different. If you want good discipline and I know you do: Have a lot of very enjoyable times with your child.

Talk - about life, about anything - with your youngster. Listen to your youngster. At the end of a week if someone should ask you: "What did you and your child do this week?" I hope you will be able easily to name a number of times when you laughed together, when you were happy together, when you simply had a very good time. Because this good living together builds discipline, too.

Discipline develops through the standards we have, through our expectations, through the reasoning and explaining that we do with children to help them see why the laws are important. I call this the "noisy discipline" because it is all out in the open. The sound is turned on. Anyone can tell: "Ah, yes. They are helping that child learn how to behave. That is good."

But there is "quiet discipline," too. The more your child feels close to you, the more you and your child do pleasing things together, the more your child will take on your values. Without your saying a word, your standards, your ways, what you think is right sink in to your youngster. Your closeness does the trick.

This is a well-known psychological process. Feeling so close to someone - to parents, to a teacher - makes a child want deep inside to be just like them.

Some of the most important lessons in good discipline occur, not in the "noisy" way but in those happier moments when we don't think we are disciplining, yet a youngster is learning to act as we adults act.

Parents who nag too much, who punish too much, who are on their children's backs all the time, don't get the good behavior they want because they don't have enough "quiet discipline" working for them.

Some parents need to relax a bit. To take life a little easier. To give the child more elbowroom. They need to concentrate more on enjoying their child and not fussing too much.

Just as other parents need to buck up and to tighten up. To realize that it takes a long time for a child to learn good ways of behaving. These parents have to work at teaching discipline, slow and steady, staying right with the job.

It is not easy to get the right mixture: enough of the noisy kind, enough of the quiet; enough of the firm and strict, enough of the easy-going.

Where do you think you stand? Do you go overboard on one side or the other? It is worth thinking about.