Every Child Is an Individual

Now that your child is in a school group, I want to suggest to you an idea that I think is very important, one that can make a world of difference in your youngster's happiness and success in life.

There is only one trouble with it. Like so many of the ideas that go into good parenting, this one is a thousand times easier to say than it is to do. In fact, it is so simple to say that you might wonder: What is the fuss all about? But I promise you: If you can act on this idea now when your child is young - and later in the years ahead - you will never by sorry and your youngster will be forever glad.

What is this high-powered idea? Simply: Be content with the child you have!

You see how easy it is to say? One short sentence. But the message is a basic one: Don't go window-shopping. Don't go looking around. Or comparing. Or wishing your child was like someone else. Be very pleased and glad you have the child you have.

I suggest this to you now because your child is in a group. You will see your boy or girl stacked up against other children the same age. As you get to know these other youngsters you may find it hard not to "go wishing." One child reads already. I wish my child could do that. One child is so polite. I wish my child acted like that. One child sticks at jobs with such perseverance. I wish my child did that. One child is so friendly and talkative. One child is so adventuresome. One child seems so smart. I wish… I wish… Why can't my child be like that?

Of course, this wishing-wanting usually doesn't begin when a child first goes to school. It is very apt to start earlier, at home. If you have other children in the family there is a constant temptation to compare one youngster with another: "Why can't you be like your brother (or like your sister)?" Or sometimes we say the very opposite: "Don't you be like them!"

Even if you have no other children, all mothers and fathers carry some pictures in their minds of what they hope their child will be like. Our dreams may be based on relatives we have admired - we would be so glad if our child turned out like them. Or close friends may be our ideal, or the image may come from the movies or from TV or from books.

Often we simply have a general picture in our minds of "the perfect child." This may well include some strong notions of how a boy should act and how a girl should act. Frequently the image of the ideal comes from our own lives. We want our child to do things we never did, to have strengths we never had, to be what we never were, to avoid all our weaknesses.

This kind of comparing is almost inevitable and, within limits, it can be to the good. It would be a shame if we didn't have high hopes for our children. That is what parents are for, and exactly what we are supposed to do.

But danger lurks here, too. The trouble comes when our hopes, the pictures-in-our-mind, and looking at the real children in school lead us into dissatisfaction. Then into nagging. Then we are into the very thing nobody wants. You don't want your child to feel: "I guess I am no good the way I am… I guess something is wrong with me."

There are qualities in all of us that no one can change. The child cannot change them, no matter how hard he or she may try. We cannot change them, no matter how doggedly, persistently we plug away. Some of these qualities are our inheritance: eye color, skin color, physical build, and ever so many aspects of our personalities and our capacities. We were born with these; they stay apart of us forever. And some of these unchangeable qualities come from our age and the stage of maturity we are in. These characteristics were born into us, too; they stay a part of us as long as we are Two or Three or Four or whatever our age.

Together, these unchangeables - inheritance and our stage of growth - in large part, make us the particular individuals that we are. When the important big people in a child's life try to tamper with them - I wish my child were like that… I wish my child could do that - only feelings are changed. Inwardly or openly the child may feel angry with us; we are asking a youngster to do something that cannot possibly be done and the child knows the unfairness of that. It is worse when a child ends up feeling angry with himself or herself: "I guess I am not so good."

People need to believe in themselves in order to succeed in this world. They have to have faith in themselves. Self-confidence. When they hold their heads high, then children (and grown-ups) bring something a little extra to whatever they try. You can call it drive. A spark. Call it ambition. Belief. Those with inner pride may not be as smart as some others, but they do better. They may not be as strong or as swift as some others, but they do better.

Keep remembering: A youngster doesn't have to be a specific, special kind of child - an early reader, extra-friendly - in order to do well. There is a place in this world for all who have faith in themselves. The only ones apt to get shut out are those who are not pleased to be who they are… because parents - and teachers - were not pleased with them.

One note of warning: To be content with the very special individual you have - no wishing, no window-shopping - doesn't mean to be content with whatever your child does. Nor does it mean that you accept any behavior that comes along - however your child happens to act is fine. That would be absurd.

You don't want to try to change a youngster's basic nature, basic style, basic interests, natural abilities. But it is your job to teach your child and to help your child do better, whenever change is possible. The trick is to know where to draw the line: Stay away from the unchangeables, work on the changeable. Making that distinction is one of the hardest tasks parents have to tackle.

I can give you one tip. Whenever you find yourself working too hard at being a parent - nagging too much, reminding too much, angry and displeased too often - stop, stand off, and think. You may be wishing you had a different child! You may be trying to change the unchangeable.

A child is lucky whose parents talk together and are on their toes, ready to do something when something can be done. This child senses: They will teach me and help me grow because they care for me. A child is also lucky - very lucky - whose parents are pleased with the basic individual they have. This child knows: They wouldn't trade ME in for anyone else under the sun!

Such lucky children will do and be the very best that is possible. May your boy or girl be one of them!