Lessons in Morality Begin Early
One dream all parents share, I am sure, is that our children will grow into fine, decent humans who can be counted on to do the right thing. But today many of us, I am afraid, worry that our dream might turn into a nightmare. The world we live in is so scary. On TV and in our newspapers the big news is about drugs, about drunken driving, about disturbing sex behavior between even very young teenagers, about speeding, about cheating... The last thing we want is for our children to become a part of this sad scene.
The question comes up: Is there anything we can do now, when our children are young, to build their awareness of what is right and wrong? I believe the answer is clearly "Yes." The early childhood years are the time to begin. Parents can play many useful roles. Let me suggest two. One lesson is in basic prevention, building a protective barrier. The other involves positive action in developing sound morals.
The first lesson: Teach children to feel good about themselves. I know of no more major contribution to later moral behavior. Early pride and self-confidence are like a shield. You can think of them as a kind of immunization against trouble in adolescence and in the early adult years. Self-confident children don't have to worry and fret about whether people will like them - they know they are OK. They are under less inside pressure to do strange things just to get in with and to please the other fellow. They are less likely to cave in and go along with whatever the gang is doing. Strong, sure of themselves, they can afford to stand up for what they think is right... and to stand alone if they have to.
Children move into this strong position in many ways. The first and most important step begins with us, our feeling good about our children and being pleased we have them. We enjoy them, we are proud of them, and we show it.
How? For one thing, by making the most of every chance for good times together: taking walks, playing games, having story times, working together on cooking and household jobs, talking together whenever there is time, turning everyday events like bath and bedtime into pleasing occasions, laughing enough... We each will do it our own way; we each have our own time schedules and time pressures. But we each somehow must let our youngsters know that we are glad they are here. Our good feelings can't be a secret. A child must deeply sense: "They like me!" and so increasingly realize: "I must be likeable."
Praise is another way of helping children feel proud. Not phony praise, of course. Not soft-soap or baloney - children see through the fakery. You don't have to make a production of it, but: Don't be stingy with the words that give a lift and with the pat on the back for a job well-done: the painting, the block-building, the face that got washed, the teeth brushed, the bundle carried, the door held open...
Teaching children new skills is another way of boosting their self-confidence. Youngsters start life empty, so the skills they must master are numberless - from learning to button a button, to tying a shoelace, to using a saw, to mixing new colors of paint, to learning to swim, to putting a key in a keyhole, to reading one's name... A little time from you, a tip from you, a fact you pass on, a technique you demonstrate, and youngsters' know-how expands. Their picture of themselves brightens. You can see it in their faces and hear it in their words: "I can tell time... I can turn a somersault... That says my name..."
There are a few approaches to stay away from if you want children to start off with solid, sure, good feelings. Let me mention three. Beware of comparisons, for example: "Why don't you act nice like so-and-so?" Comparisons are real lemons. We mean well but they knock the wind out of children's sails. Watch out, too, for name-calling: "Stupid... Slowpoke... Lazy..." That is Brand X for sure. We do it because we want children to live up to their best, but they always live down to the labels put on them. Try hard, too, to steer away from too much nagging. Constant pick-pick-picking leaves youngsters not strengthened but worried: "There must be something wrong with me." Children that unsure run the risk of being pushovers in their later years.
Building inner feelings of strength lays a foundation and is good protection. The early years are also the time to teach moral standards.
The chance for this second kind of lesson in morality occurs whenever something goes wrong - as children are playing whether alone or with others, or when they are with you. Obviously, this adds up to countless times, and time after time!
A child hits or bites or kicks or punches or grabs or holds on to a possession for dear life... This is your chance to sell children on decency. You have to talk with them. You have to reason with them. You have to discuss, quietly, earnestly, seriously. You have to make a major effort to help them see what is involved. It isn't enough to say "Stop" or "No" or "You mustn't." You have to present them over and over with a sound and valid and good reason: "Because that hurts... Because that destroys... Because that isn't fair... Because that bothers people... And "Because I say so" is not a valid reason.
Selling children on decency is a very slow process. You have to work patiently and you mustn't expect to see results right away. So often your teaching will go counter to what comes naturally to children. The young think of themselves first, and often can think only of themselves. The young grab, push, take. They find waiting and postponing so difficult as to be almost impossible at times. All this is the human child's way in the early years of life. It takes a lot of patient talking - not angry talking - to help them slowly progress toward more civilized behavior.
For anyone not concerned with building morality there are many quick tricks to stop "bad" behavior in its tracks. Threatening children, if one sounds angry enough, may do it. Punishing them, if one hurts them enough, may do it. Rewarding them, if one pays enough, may be the answer. But if you are committed to teaching morality, it isn't enough to make children behave because the policeman or the paymaster is around. You want to reach a child's mind and a child's heart. You want them to absorb good values and good standards, and eventually to adopt them as their own.
You talk with children. You keep making the best case you can. At the beginning, of course, you don't count on your words alone to carry the day. Words take a long time to sink in. So you stay on the scene yourself, or you remove the source of the trouble, or you introduce some diversion - whatever helps to restore peace and tranquility. But your words are what count. Once youngsters accept them because they make sense, then children have something of their own they can carry with them into the years ahead.
There are, of course, no guarantees about those years ahead, no money-back promises should matters work out badly. Building moral human beings is a tremendous job and a complicated one. Many forces besides ourselves are involved, for better or worse: religion, TV, the neighborhood that youngsters live in, their friends, the state of the country's economy, the political climate, the temper of the times... One thing you can be sure about, however. Children who, in their early years, learn to feel confident about themselves, children who early take into themselves good standards, at least have a sound start. They are headed toward becoming the fine humans you want them to be.
