On Being the Parent of a Young Child

I would like to pass on a few thoughts about being the parent of a young child. I hope you find some of what I say comforting at the end of a long, hard day.

When you are the parent of an under-Six youngster there are many long, hard days! It takes strength and energy to be a parent... as well as patience, nerves of steel, quick reflexes, strong arches in your feet and a good back. The back, in particular, gets very tired when you live: with young children.

I think all parents wonder at times whether someone else has discovered an easier way of doing the job. We wonder if we are doing something wrong. Why are we tired a lot of the time, discouraged some of the time, worried a part of the time? I am afraid that no one else knows any secrets or shortcuts to being a good parent. The low moments - when we ache a little physically and are bruised a little psychologically - come with being a parent. Nothing is wrong. They are par for the course... in the nature of the job.

And for very good reasons. Young children need so much looking after, for one thing. You need to be on your toes almost all of the time. Children have no real capacity to think ahead, no capacity to be on the lookout for the unexpected. They need very watchful grown-ups to do this kind of thinking for them. And the job can be exhausting.

Young children also need so much help. They need grown-ups to reach what they cannot reach... to tie this, to untie that... to fix this, to fix that... to settle arguments... to button something, to unbutton something else. Every parent feels pecked at. You seem never to have a moment for yourself or time to finish jobs that are important to you... unless you find time after midnight! And many parents of young children can hardly keep their eyes open after eight o'clock!

I think one of the hardest parts of being a parent is the "culture shock." That is one way of saying that young children live in a different world from ours. They behave in different ways. For some examples: Children love noise of any kind; they are full of movement and pep and energy; they show their emotions so openly; when young children are unhappy, you know it!

Children interrupt. They ask a million questions. They poke into places that are none of their business. They often leave a mess behind, wherever they go. I tell you and you could tell me: It is a "shock" and a strain living with children whose style and manners and customs are so different from our own.

So: Whenever you feel tired and beaten down a little, take heart! You have a lot of company. You probably are not doing anything wrong. It simply is true: a lot of weariness goes with being a parent.

But there is a bright side, too. If you keep that in mind it will cheer you up when you are feeling low. As one example, young children are so very affectionate. They may drive us crazy, but oh! How they love us! They love us even though they become furious with us at times. They love us even though sometimes they call us names.

They kiss. They hug. They squeeze. They put their arms around your neck so hard you can't be sure whether you are being loved to death or choked to death. Not everyone in this world gets such warm, open, overflowing love. Only parents. So make the most of it when this love comes your way. It is mighty precious.

Young children give us many other gifts. Each of us gets a special lift from different things they do. I get a tremendous boost from their excitement and their enthusiasm. Young children are new to our world. Simple, everyday happenings - ordinary to us - fill them with fire.

The other day I heard a child at the beach call out: "I put my head under!" The pride, the excitement, brought to my mind the hundreds of children I have seen coming into school: "I have a new belt... I have new shoes." The world is filled with simple wonders when you are young. Watching children latch on to these wonders helps to keep us young.

I must say too: I marvel at the imagination of the young. These children have a phenomenal capacity to pretend. They can take a stick, a box, a trike - anything! - and they transform it: "This must be a car... a boat, a store, a hospital, a fort... " I am constantly impressed by the intensity with which children throw themselves into their pretending. They become utterly absorbed.

I know that play is good for children AND it does me good to be around it. I don't see such earnestness and seriousness, such imagination when I am with my grown-up friends. My life becomes a little richer when I am around youngsters who have these very special qualities.

There is, of course, one other quite different note of good cheer. At least, I suppose you might call it "good cheer." Children don't stay young forever. Any behavior you find hard to live with right now is very apt to stop. So hang in there. Whatever it is - the noise they make, their interruptions, their messiness, their poking into things - any behavior you find a grind probably won't go on forever. Fives become Sixes, and Fifteens, and Twenty-fives - sometimes all too soon. So anytime you feel a little put upon, remember: time passes. Take a deep breath and hang on.

There is something else you can do, whenever being a parent gets you down. Talk with someone! Talking together is one of the good things that can go on when both a mother and a father are at home. To spill over, to hear someone say some soothing words - and sometimes the other person even has a bright idea about how to cope.

Of course, a lot of homes today don't have two parents in them. If you are raising your child alone, do find a friend who will be a good listener. Your child's teacher perhaps. A relative. A neighbor. Once we talk out what a child is doing, the behavior usually doesn't seem quite so bad. Or maybe the talking helps us to feel a little stronger, more able to take it.

One more suggestion: get away from your child enough to keep spirits high! That is one of the great gifts of an early childhood group. It makes it possible for your child to live in a child's world for a time; you can have your world for a time. Usually both you and your youngster come back to each other a little refreshed.

Something else good almost always happens. Whether your child goes off to school or to a friend's house, you are apt to get back some positive and pleasing reports. These good reports can be a joy to hear, although they also are a little frustrating. We worry and fuss and stew about the way our child acts at home - then these glowing reports come about how well the same child behaves at school or at the neighbor's!

You wonder sometimes: are these reports true or false? And if they are true, you may feel a little angry. If your child can act so well away from home, why all the bad acting at home?

Usually a child acts the same way in school, at home; at a friend's house, at home. But at home we worry more. At home we tend to make mountains out of molehills. At home - it is a trap we all fall into - we want our boy or girl to be perfect, so we nag and fuss. Other people just want our child to be... a child!

I hope you hear many good reports about your youngster, and that they lift your spirits. Raising a child is hard work but raising a child brings its own special rewards, too. Do get all the pleasure and enjoyment you can get out of being a parent.