Talking and Listening

You have a child going to school now. I can tell you of a great and wonderful gift you can give to this youngster of yours; as an added bonus, it is a gift that doesn't cost a cent! You have to admit that is amazing in these days when everything connected with children is so expensive.

This fabulous gift has many virtues - it really is a prize present - but I don't think you could ever guess what it is.

It is the gift of our ears! And your attention.

It is the gift of your tongue! And your words, your ideas.

If you want to do something very nice for your child, sit down and talk together. Sit down and listen. Make a time in the crowded busy day, when the two of you simply have a conversation. That's the gift I have in mind: talking and listening. And I promise you that it is a great one.

I can't suggest what the two of you should talk about. Unless you will be content with a big broad suggestion: Talk about anything and everything under the sun.

I mean that literally. Anything and everything. I remember vividly a conversation that began when one of our children, about age Five, asked me: "Why do they pump your stomach?" The question came completely out of the blue. If a student in my college classes had ever asked for a list of the things young children think about, I could have made a long list, but "having your stomach pumped" would never have been on it. My youngster, however - somewhere, somehow - had overheard talk about somebody's stomach being pumped. And the idea sank in and rattled around and worried. Because we had some time alone for talking, the business of stomach-pumping came out in the open.

One fact is certainly true today: Children see and hear more than youngsters ever did before. Television, traveling with parents in cars and going to school, playing in the neighborhood, being close to grown-ups in the home and in stores - these all mean that there is very little in life that young children haven't bumped into somewhere. And wondered about. War… and blood and dying, and people getting sick; accidents and amputations and people crippled… Fights and arguments and divorce and babies being born… Money and jobs and skin color and sex differences… Tornadoes, hurricanes, lightning… You name it. The idea has probably crossed your child's mind. If you and your boy or girl get the "talking-time" habit, any idea may come up.

I can't specify what to talk about. I can't suggest when to talk either. We all lead such different lives. Maybe at bath time. Maybe at bedtime. Any time the two of you are alone - that's the important point - and not pushed by other matters. Any time you are free to chat. I used to find some of my very best talking-listening times when one of our youngsters was alone with me in the car. If the traffic wasn't too rough, we would get going on the most amazing conversations. But each family has to find its own time, when it is pleasant for two people to talk.

Anyone can start the ball rolling. I suppose, in our family, when we first began our "talking-times" I probably spoke up first. We would drive along. Something would catch my eye: a truck, a piece of farm equipment, a passerby on the sidewalk, and I would ask: "Do you know what that's for?" or "Do you know where that comes from?" or "Do you know what happens when…"

Or sometimes I would ask a general question, to see what response I would get. Like: "What do you think about people who break into other people's houses and take stuff that doesn't belong to them?"

Now and again, the same as when grown-ups chat, the conversation went nowhere and we dropped it. More often, the same as when grown-ups chat, the conversation started with one idea and then moved on to another and another, going all around Robin Hood's barn.

The more we both got into what you could call the "talking-time" habit, the more often the child would start the ball rolling, the way one of our youngsters did with the stomach-pump question. I remember another surprising query: "What does it mean: To be adopted? Why are some kids adopted?" Today's children are born with big ears, big eyes, and they get around - their heads are full of big ideas.

Children like simple, short, straightforward, uncomplicated answers. Sometimes - you have to be the judge - they don't really even want an answer. The conversation goes further if you hold back a bit and say something like: "That's a good question. What do you think?" And then the child takes off.

But if you answer, be honest. Tell the truth. No fairy tales or cock-and-bull stories. Any time you can't answer, there is no harm at all in saying as you would to a grown-up: "I'm sorry, I don't know." Children ask a lot of stumpers. Our youngsters were always asking me questions about clouds, and the sky, and the wind! A grown-up doesn't have to be a know-it-all. If the question really is important, you - or both of you - can look up an answer later.

I can't tell you when to talk. I can't tell you what to talk about. But I can tell you all the reasons why the "talking-time" habit is so very good and why it adds up to a truly great gift.

The most important reason: Young children treasure any time alone with you, no matter how brief it may be. To have a parent all to one's self is very comforting, very strengthening, a very great delight to a child.

Another reason why talking-listening times are important: As children talk, various feelings come out that have been troubling them. The little fears and jealousies and gripes and concerns that have been pecking away at them bubble to the surface. You may find some comforting words to say. Often, however, the fact that the child talks about the issue and brings it out in the open makes the feeling more manageable. Talking-listening times are very good for a child's peace of mind.

These times are also excellent for the growth of your child's mind. Your youngster is on the first step of a long career of going to school. For the next twelve years - maybe longer - success in this schooling business is going to depend on your child's ability to handle words and to handle ideas. The ability to listen, and to think, and to talk, are basic skills in school-learning. Talking- listening times give your boy or girl wonderful practice in them. You can do few better things to help your child in schoolwork then to listen and talk together.

I can add one other strong point in favor of talking-listening. Your child will treasure these times together. You will, too, I know. They can be among the most pleasing moments in a parent's life.