The Signals That Children Send Us

Here's a very short test - a quickie - on one aspect of being a good parent. If you are afraid of tests, don't worry. You are almost 100% certain to pass this one with flying colors. Question Number One: You are driving and see a policeman in the middle of the road with his hand upraised, his palm facing you. What is the policeman saying to you? Question Two: You see a man standing on the side of the road. As you approach in your car, he points down the road with his thumb. What is he asking? Three: What does thumbs down mean? Number Four and last: You ask a friend for an opinion on a recent movie. Your friend holds his nose. Good movie or bad?

You passed the test, didn't you? I knew you would, because most of us are very skilled at reading silent signals and getting their meaning without a single word being spoken.

But now, almost certainly, you have a question: What does all this have to do with children? And the answer: A great deal! Children send parents their most important messages through "no-words" communications, using the silent language of behavior.

Boys and girls use the language of behavior especially when they need extra helpings of emotional nourishment: to be loved a little more, to be noticed a little more, to be appreciated a little more. Situations can arise in all children's lives which cause them to be hit by these hungers. The arrival of a new baby in the family is one very common time, as an example. An older child, rightly or wrongly, feels left out in the cold. It doesn't matter that the parents think they have shown their love for the "big one" too. Somehow that child isn't sure of it.

Worried youngsters, feeling left out, never can ask in words: "Love me a little more." But their behavior does say exactly that. They cling more than they used to. They demand more attention. They whine a little more. Doing babyish things is their cry for help: "Love me..."

The birth of a new baby is, of course, only one example. Many events can trouble Threes, Fours, Fives. The tip-off that something is wrong is when children start acting more like babies, more like Twos, younger than they really are. And they act this way often and wherever they are. The behavior doesn't show only at some one part of the day or in some one particular place.

This is the time for using all our skills in reading silent signals. Fortunately, the messages in this persistent over-and-over behavior are usually crystal clear. It isn't hard to crack the code.

A Three-Four-Five child clings and clings ever so tightly, and all of the time. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. Almost surely he or she is asking for comfort and to be reassured. The behavior is every bit as self-evident as the policeman's signs.

A Three-, Four-, or Five-year-old starts clowning continuously. The youngster begins always showing off and doing silly things. No one has to be hit over the head to get the message. The chances are overwhelming that the child is asking someone - or a lot of people - to look at him or her. The child wants some headlines, some notice, the spotlight... and couldn't ask for it any louder even with a megaphone.

The messages are so clear that responding to them ought to be a snap. It ought to be so easy for us to be kind and to do the giving things that would make a child feel better. Unfortunately (for children) there are hurdles that stand in the way for some of us.

One of the obstacles: The children's behavior usually invites parents to get angry with them. I'm sure you have heard mothers and fathers speak very sharply to a child: "Act your age. You're acting just like a little baby." And that, of course, is exactly what the child is doing but: not out of naughtiness. The child has a very good reason. The child hungers for a little more love, a little more handling, a little more pleasant fussing. The youngster is almost pleading for extra helpings, but adult anger can make us close our eyes and shut our ears and turn off the message.

Another obstacle: Some parents mix up their priorities. They forget to put first things first. A child acts badly, like a baby or like a Two. I'm sure you have heard parents say: "Once you start acting nice, then we'll be nice to you."

This has such a reasonable sound. It seems like a fair bargain, with each side giving a little. But it is a very mixed-up proposition. It ignores completely the fact that a child has to first feel well in order to act well. Worried feelings inside pull a child's behavior down. Once the child gets the extra helpings that are needed - this has to have priority - then the behavior can improve.

There is still another obstacle that blocks some mothers and fathers: the temptation to make light of the messages. Adults "hear" what the child is after - they don't have any trouble with that. But they can't bring themselves to take the message seriously.

They find it so easy to say: "Oh, he just wants some attention." They know exactly what the child is seeking but they minimize the whole idea: "He just wants..." "He only wants..." - making it sound as if attention was unimportant and didn't count for much.

They find it so easy to play down the message: "Oh, she just wants some one to notice her." She just wants..." as if a little fame and glory couldn't matter to a child.

Still one more roadblock can stand in the way: worries! Some mothers and fathers see the behavior... they "hear" the behavior... and they are afraid to give in. Suppose they do pay a little more attention. Won't the youngster love it and want a lot of attention forever? Suppose they do give comfort when a child wants to be treated like a baby. Won't the youngster stay babyish forever?

The fears are understandable but they don't jibe with the facts of child development. The studies show - and you know and I know - that children want to grow. Healthy emotionally-nourished children have to grow. Over-worried parents are afraid their children will get stuck somehow.

If you think about how your youngsters have grown, I'm sure you will come away with a very different impression. Children are not bound and determined to stay infants. That was a nice period in life, but children would much rather grow up. Emotionally-nourished children are constantly prodding, pecking, pushing at us to let them do more, help more.

If your children ever signal you through their behavior that they need extra helpings of good feelings, I hope you can avoid all these traps. I hope you will use all those good skills you have in reading behavior. If ever they show you, time and time again, that they have some emptiness inside - a need for more love, more attention, some notice, or whatever it may be - I hope you will find it easy to be generous. I certainly urge you: Don't get angry, and don't be afraid, and don't be stingy. Give! And go on giving until the hunger subsides. I think you will find that this often happens in a relatively short time, but you do have to be prepared. Occasionally you may have to pile on the extra helpings for quite a while. But a contented child, now free to grow, is worth the effort.