What Matters Most When You Are Young

Young children need no end of things to insure their good growth, and their happiness and success. But I can tell you the one that stands out head and shoulders, far more important than all the others.

What matters most is… your love for your child. Nothing is as important as that.

Love is the basis of discipline. The basis of a child's self-confidence. Of security. The well-loved child is apt to get along beautifully with people. Being loved when you are a child even helps you think straight.

Love is a real fundamental. It means more than any gifts or toys you could buy, no matter how fancy or how much you spend on them. It means more than money. Whether you are rolling in cash or scratching to make ends meet doesn't make the difference. What does make a difference to your child is your feeling of affection and closeness and joy.

I say "affection" and "closeness" and "joy." And that's where the rub comes in. What is "love" anyhow? And how does it get over to a child? And don't all parents "love" their child? So what's the fuss all about?

I wish "love" were a simple matter. The fact is: Many youngsters never know how much they are loved. Some parents care very deeply for their children but they show their love by nagging and reminding, by checking up, by scolding. They want the best in the whole wide world or their boy or girl. They "love" their youngster but the child never quite believes it. What comes through to the child is dissatisfaction. A worried feeling starts to grow: "I'm no good the, way I am"... "They are always displeased."

Other parents hold back on the love they feel. They hide it. Their hearts are full to overflowing but they don't want to spoil their child. And they don't want to seem "too easy."

Lots of us parents simply get busy. We work hard on our jobs, for the sake of our child, but we are rushed. And we are not around. And the days go by. We "love" our youngster very much. But he or she has no way of knowing it. Even when we are around, we look so busy.

Almost all of us do a million and one things behind the scenes that young children can't yet appreciate: planning good meals so they will stay healthy; taking them to the doctor; worrying about insurance and savings; trying to have a good home... These hidden deeds are tremendously important and they are expressions of love. The trouble is: The love that young children need the most is love that comes across openly. Love cannot stay hidden in our hearts or behind the scenes. It has to be out where young children can see and feel and almost taste it.

How can you show the love you feel? There is no one special way. We each have to be ourselves. We lead different lives and we have different amounts of time to give to our children. But let me pass on a few ideas to start your own thinking, so the love you feel doesn't stay hidden.

One point: Love means some laughter. Can you remember when your child was just a baby? The great glee when you played Peek-a-Boo? The glee is just as important today. When love is coming through, days have many good-natured moments. Parents and children giggle a bit together, or break out into big broad smiles now and again. They laugh together. Humor - a smile, a laugh - has a way of bringing relaxation. It says safety to a child. It says: we're together... we're here... we're for you. So don't let the time you have with your youngster become too grim and earnest, all business and all serious.

Love is laughter, love is playful. Peek-a-Boo had dozens of variations. You hid your face behind your hands and you hid your head behind the door. You ducked down beneath the crib or carriage. You lowered your head, then popped it up. Be sure you do the counterparts of all this today: a walk, a catch, a game, pretending together. Don't let life get squeezed dry of the moments you and your child could spend together just for the pleasure of them, for the good company of them. Those are the moments that let love come across.

A second point to think about: Love comes to young children through physical closeness and touching. You can't just say "I love you." Did you play Ride-a-Cock-Horse when your child was a baby? If you did you will remember how your youngster's face lighted up, and you heard "More... more." Or remember when you lifted your baby tip high over your head and the child squealed with delight? The point is just as true today as it was back then: love comes through bodies. Young children draw strength from the feel of the big people who care for them.

Be sure you find ways of passing on your strength, your love. Perhaps through a squeeze of the hand as you walk together. Maybe through the brisk rubdown with the towel after a bath. Or a piggyback ride, if you are strong enough. Or some rough-house. Or holding your child close while you read the bedtime story.

Then I have a third idea: Love shows itself through a mother or father and a child spending private time, personal time, together... time when the rest of the world is a little shut out or put aside for the moment.

Finding the time will depend on how you live. It may be easier to find time on the weekends, or easier in the evening. The time may be that quiet time just before bed or the time after bath. Whenever it is, it is wonderful time any time when no one is going anywhere - there is no race to get anything done and the clock isn't ticking away. The time is for you and your child. Personal time. Private time for talking.

Love is happy. Love is gentle. But does that sound as if I am saying that love means never having any rules? Or that love means never saying No? I certainly don't mean to sound that way.

This is right: love means not having so many rules that they leap up and slap a child at every turn.

And I would be glad to sound like this: love means trying not to have rules that don't fit a child or that demand too much.

And like this: love means trying not to be harsh or mean or hurting to a child.

Love does show itself through discipline. It shows through rules that are reasonable, rules that a child can understand and that bring order to a child's life. Love isn't syrupy-soupy.

The only love that counts is the love that real mothers and fathers, real men and women, real humans show to their children. And all of us real people get weary. We get upset at times. And we do get angry. At times we say things and do things that are not our very best - not what we could say or do if we were calm and peaceful and had all the time in the world. Young children need parents who try to be at their best with them, but that doesn't mean that we succeed one hundred percent of the time. Only angels achieve perfection.

The one thing loving parents can do - I guess angels never have to do it! - is to make up to children, if there have been stormy times. Loving parents can make the next day happier, if today has been full of gales. Loving parents can balance out the hectic times with enough other times that are peaceful and full of joy.

You will have to find your own way of acting. Only one rule applies to everyone: don't keep the good feelings you have for your child under your hat. Boys and girls need to know that they are pleasing their parents. That is the way they become pleased with themselves.