When Children Act Their Age

When your youngster was a baby, these were the nicest words you could hear from your doctor: "Your child is growing just right for its age." Good growth, good health. Your youngster was right on the beam.

Let me pass on some ideas about Twos, Threes, Fours and Fives behaving just right for their age. I hope my words will be as comforting as when your doctor said your baby was up to snuff. And I hope they suggest to you some helpful ways to react to the behavior of these older children.

One idea: Remember that life isn't all sweetness and light when children are acting their age. Think back to your baby and you will see what I mean. A healthy baby acts its age... and cries a lot, and wets, and spits up. A healthy baby wants to be fed at 2 a.m. when everyone else wants to sleep.

A child, no matter how old, acting its age does many pleasing things but: Age-level behavior is not always easy to live with.

A second point and a cheerful one: When children are acting their age you can be sure the behavior won't go on forever. Of course, this can be sad news if you like the behavior very much - the way little Threes trustingly put their hand in yours, for example. But this can be good news if the age-level behavior is getting you down - the tantrums when children are around Two, perhaps; or their daydreaming a little later; their dawdling; or maybe the brashness at Four or the boisterousness of Fives; the fascination water and mud and puddles hold for all these ages. "Good" or "bad," age-level behavior stops, almost of its own accord. You don't have to do much to end it - the calendar does the job for you.

Now another point: When children are acting their age, they are not deciding how to act. Their bones, muscles, organs and their nervous system pull the strings. Just as your baby didn't think it all out: "I'll wet, and drive them crazy." The small size of a baby's bladder, the weak state of the bladder muscles - these were the reasons for all the wet diapers, not the baby's deciding.

In a sense children are "victims." They must act however their body-growth and nervous system-growth make them act. This is important to understand because some age-level behaviors can make children seem willful or selfish or rude or fresh. Be sure to keep in mind: The children have no choice. It is not quite fair (or useful) to pick on them for something they can't control.

Still another idea: Whatever age-level behavior your child is showing, your youngster is not the only one! Children about the same age are acting very much the same way... and all over the world!

I hope you find some solace in this. Often we all are hard on our own youngsters. When we see behavior we don't like we tend to think our precious child is the only one who acts that way - a worrisome and aggravating thought. But if you are seeing age-level behavior, your child has a lot of company. Everyone in the whole human race at about the same age is acting much the same way, doing the same good deeds and the same sometimes-annoying ones.

And now a last fact about "good" deeds and "bad." While some age-level behavior may be hard for us to take, it always is very good for a child. The age-level behavior may contribute to our gray hairs; it always contributes to the child's development.

Sometimes it is easy to see how the behavior makes its contribution. The incessant crawling of the seven-month-old, for example, clearly feeds into the skilled walking, running, jumping, climbing of the older child. But sometimes it is hard offhand to see the contribution. The incessant make-believe of Threes-Fours-Fives is an example. It can look as if all this play is waste. But the make-believe and pretending are built into children for a very specific purpose. They are the beginnings of children's thinking, the beginnings of their plan-making. The fact is: We can't pick and choose. The age-level behaviors we like and those not-so-easy-to-live-with are all building blocks in a child's total growth.

What should parents do when a child is acting its age? I can tell you my response. Then you will have to decide whether or not my reactions fit you.

When I am confronted with age-level behavior I try not to get upset. I try to keep my calm. If I possibly can, I put up with the behavior. And, on my best days, I am even glad for the behavior - it is proof that I have a healthy Two or Three or Four or Five on my hands.

Whenever I cannot live with the behavior and comfortably tolerate it, I try to "channel" it or set up a detour. This means saying to a child, for example: You can't do that here but can do it there (no running in the living room but outdoors is OK). You can't do it now, but you can do it soon (not at dinnertime but after we have finished). You can't do that to this, but you can do it to that (not to the new pillow - use the old beat-up one). I channel rather than dam up the behavior or I provide a detour rather than a roadblock for a simple reason: I know age-level behavior is good for development.

There are times, of course, when I can't take the behavior and I can't channel it. I try not to get boxed into this corner too often. But when I am, then I don't hesitate to say a firm "No" or "You can't" or "You must not." I make a great effort, however, not to be angry with the child and to give a good reason for my firmness.

I must put in one word of caution here. Don't think for a second - and I assure you that I don't! - that a child's age is the only explanation for behavior. Don't adopt it as your favorite explanation. And don't think for a second - I assure you that I don't - that being tolerant and easy-going are the only roles for a parent. This is one approach - the right approach I think when you are dealing with children who are acting their age.

The sixty-four dollar question, of course, is how to spot what is age-level behavior and what isn't. The bad news is that no one can tell for sure every single time. And the good news is that children don't need perfection from parents. All they need is for us to stick in there and to keep thinking.

How can you spot age-level behavior?

By keeping your eyes open and watching other children about the same age.

By remembering, if you can, what you did as a child.

By reading about children and how they grow.

By talking with other parents and especially with your child's teacher.

The more talking, watching, reading and thinking you do, the more often you will hit the nail on the head. You will get better and better at accepting what children do because they are children. You will find it easier not to get upset. And many more times you will be downright glad you have a healthy child.