Young Children and Their Friends

Now that your child is going to school, you are going to have many dealings with your youngster's new friends. The under-Six age is a very social time. At school, a child finds a close friend or two, gets to know a lot of other children, and a whole new world of people opens up. It is a wonderfully exciting new world, and one of the reasons why going to school can be so satisfying.

The chances are that your child will talk on and on at home about these new friends. And want to visit them after school. And want them to come to your house to play. It is all to the good whenever you can work out any of these plans. Finding friends, choosing friends, making friends, working with friends, getting involved in all the give-and-take that friendship means is a fundamental experience for a child.

Some youngsters glide into this new social life more easily than others. Some are simply more outgoing - we all do differ in our personalities and our styles. Luck plays a part in classroom friend-making, too. And so does the accident of where a child happens to live and how a child gets to school.

If your boy or girl is a little shyer than some others, or for any reason doesn't find a friend or two, you may be able to help the process along a bit. The teacher may be able to tell you of other children who live nearby, or give you the names of youngsters who play with your child at school, or the name of some other child who also doesn't yet have a pal. Inviting another youngster home for lunch, or to come over on a Saturday to play, or to join you and your child on some special little trip or errand - however you want to do it, throwing two children together - does sometimes lead to the start of a friendship. And that is worth your going to a little effort to bring about.

I will grant, however, that when your child does have a good friend or two - whether or not you were the matchmaker - you will have moments of wondering whether all this friendship is such a good idea.

Young children can think the sun rises and sets on "their friend." You may get a little tired of hearing so much talk about Micky or Betty or Lisa or John, or whoever the friend happens to be. But living with this noise is the easiest part. When good friends get together, they act at times as if the sun rises and sets on them alone. They get so involved in each other and in what they are doing that all the rest of the world - that means you - is of no consequence. You may get more than "a little tired" at the way their play takes over.

Of course, if you are lucky enough to have a separate bedroom or a yard or someplace that is "the children's," that is fine. Especially if you also have enough toys and materials they can work with. The children can be in their world, you can be in your world, and for a while nothing could be nicer.

But such bliss does not last forever. You do have to keep in touch with what is going on. The children are still too young to be completely unsupervised for long. Usually, after some period of time, they get high. Exuberant. Out of bounds. Fatigue is often the reason why. Or the children may have exhausted their own good ideas. The trick is to step in before the youngsters get too wild.

Sometimes a gentle word of warning or a reminder calms them down. Sometimes you can suggest a new activity. Or a change of pace may be what is called for - a snack, milk or juice and a cookie.

I can warn you about one thing to expect: When friends are around, your child will probably show off. This seems to be almost a universal peculiarity. You say something and your child talks back. Or is fresh, or puts on some little show designed to impress the friend: See! They can't push ME around in MY house.

You will have to respond in whatever way seems best to you but my advice is: Don't take this showing-off too seriously. It is not the start of a bad habit. It really doesn't mean any lack of respect. In fact, this kind of showing-off is more a sign of love and respect. Your child trusts you so much that he or she dares to use you to make a point to the friend. The child's point: "See what a big person I am!" That's not too bad.

I can pass on another warning. Whenever friends get together, children try to play one family off against the other. The friend claims: "My mother always lets me do such-and-such." Your child claims: "When we go to so-and-so's house we can always do such-and-such."

Every parent has to learn one very important lesson. When young children first find their new friends is a good time for you to learn: Be yourself! Don't hesitate to stand up for what you believe in! You have to use your judgment. When you are in charge, and when the children are in your house, what you believe in has to be what goes.

I don't mean that you should sound rough and tough and angry. You can learn from what the children say. And you are wise to change your mind sometimes because of a point the youngsters make. But I am urging you: Don't be bowled over by children's complaints. Or frightened by their gripes.

The best friend a child can have is a strong adult, a good-natured and a sensitive but a self-confident adult. So don't bow to pressure. Let it roll off your back. Stand by what your judgment says is right.

I want to say a few words too about any younger brothers and sisters at home. Life between children within the family is never as smooth as honey. We all think it ought to be. Brothers and sisters, kinfolk, loving each other, "ought" to play nicely together within our happy home. It doesn't ever quite work out that way, and some of the worst times can be when the youngster who goes to school invites agemates, school friends, over to play. On these occasions it is not unusual for the older children to push any younger family members right out of the picture. The school-people usually want to be big, separate, independent. You are apt to get complaints from them that "the baby" is interfering, and you are apt to get many tears and complaints from "the baby" about being excluded.

You will have your share of lucky days when everyone loves everybody, but never be surprised when it doesn't work out quite that way.

Usually, the best approach is not to try to make peace, and not to struggle to get all the ages to play together.

Usually, the best approach is to accept reality. Give yourself to your younger child. If the two of you can plan your own things and do something special together, that frees those big hulking school-goers to be by themselves in their own new special world of their own friendships for a while.

No one can solve the problem this brilliantly each time it arises but, any time you can, you and your younger child will have some peace and pleasure. And you will have helped your school child to get the most out of being grown-up, and out of being a very social human.